Starving for Perfection

Although I know many people are sensitive to this topic, as am I, I want to share my story and my concern over this matter. Nyasha's behavior near the end of the book influenced me to pick this subject. Not very many people know, but I've struggled with my weight from the moment I was born up until this summer. It's undeniable that Asians naturally have a small frame and are tremendously tiny. Because I was born underweight, my parents had always force-fed me. I gradually become round and chubby (to their eyes) and for many years, my relatives always reminded me how much fat I had on my body. They always pinched my arms and the flab around my stomach. Compared to my friends at school, I was smaller and scrawny. However, compared to Asians, I understood I was bigger. My parents were always mentioning how much fatter I was than my 24 year-old aunt that weighed 85 lbs (and keep in mind, this is normal for Asians.) I was considered overweight to my family. My mom never stopped telling her friends how many rolls I had and how big my thighs were. It really hurt me as this went on for years. Imagine how you would feel if you were 8 years old and was told by your family that you were overweight. 

Even though I looked skinnier than my peers, my relatives' voices never left my mind. Their comments overwhelmed me for many, many years. At first, I just ignored it. Even though my parents thought I was overweight, they didn't want me to diet. They said it'd mess up my height, as they'd rather me be fat and tall than fat and stubby. Throughout middle school, I had always been so insecure. I did lose all of my baby weight, but it was not significant. As I reached eighth grade, my relatives were still nagging me about how chubby my face and legs were. 

I started to run. I overworked myself. I kept track of how many calories I ate and I ran 5 miles daily. I stayed away from carbs and sugar. One day, I skipped dinner. I woke up the next day and looked in the mirror. I found that my belly looked slimmer. This triggered me, as I started reading online about fasting and quick methods. My parents noticed how I "forgot" to eat, and began to surveillance me during meals. They even force-fed me, too. So then I discovered something else. I had read books before where girls were bulimic. I gave it a try, and soon it became a constant cycle of eating and throwing it all up. I remember trying to scarf it down as fast as possible, so that it wouldn't digest and make me unable to throw it all up. Each time after I threw up, I felt tears streaming down my face and kept telling myself that I've got to be skinny for my family. They expected me to make all A's and be pretty. And to them, pretty meant skinny. That was all I was missing. I just needed to be skinny. I became obsessed with it and transformed into a monster. I let that monster take over every single thing I did.

My family saw that I was losing pounds, but they figured it was from me working out. They said they saw definite toning in my arms and legs and encouraged me to keep going at it. Little did they know, my bulimia was getting worse and worse. It came to the point where I was throwing up blood. I wasn't able to throw up anymore, no matter how many times I tried. It always hurt to eat since my throat was so irritated from my fingers digging against it. I had no choice but to stop. 

I wish I never decided to let bulimia get to me like that. To this day, I face consequences of it. My hair falls out in globs each time I shower. I feel like a cancer patient. I haven't managed to keep the weight off, and I've gained 15 lbs since then. My family still points out my weight straightforwardly, and it still hurts me inside, but I've managed to just let it go in one ear and out of the other. 

I just want to say that weight really does not determine your beauty. Just because models on the magazines look nice, doesn't mean that you need to risk your life and go that far just to be skinny. Pressures to be skinny overrule so many people in our society today. I just wish they would realize that the consequences are not worth it.